Expectation Vs. Reality

     Expectation Vs. Reality is a common title for videos and or pictures that display what usually happens when people have high expectations. As hilarious as these tend to be, I've become very aware of how true they are, but in a flip-sided way.
     Last night and into this morning, I spent eight hours (Not including the three hours of sleep I managed to get) with my cheer-leading squad. We had a sleepover at the high school so that we could make all of the run through signs for the football team and show our new coach some of the cheers we had done last year. It honestly sounds like an extremely normal night to me as I am writing this down, but I can't forget the thoughts and feelings that had run around in my head prior to the event.
    I was nervous going into this. I don't have any close friends on the team, and because I have this delusional fear that people find me annoying and don't like me, I was afraid I was going to be a bother to everyone and just end up alone. That was my expectation.
     In fact, this is an expectation I have a lot of the time. I am constantly distancing myself from people because I am afraid they are getting annoyed by me. Mind you, I have never actually been told that I am annoying by anyone other than my brother. So why do I have this fear? I think a part of me feels like everyone is saying that about me behind my back. I mean, let's be honest, most girl fighting is done behind backs and with tongues like swords.
     But the thing is, as far as I know, nobody has a problem with me. Yet I am constantly taking myself out of things hoping to avoid whatever backlash I am expecting.
     Last night was kind of an eyeopener for me. I had fun. Not the kind of fun that you kind of enjoyed but would never do it again, but rather the kind of fun that makes you want to experience that night again. Nobody was bothered by me, in fact I was invited to do things, which sounds simple enough but for someone who was expecting to be spending the night utterly alone it was a big deal.
     It made me start thinking about expectations and how, just like high expectations, low expectations can be utterly wrong as well. I don't think I am the only one with this mindset, rather I'm sure tons of people make themselves loners to avoid whatever it is they are afraid of. Something in our brains tells us that if we are alone no one can hurt us, when we all know that sometimes being alone is just as painful.
     Why do we do this to ourselves? Why do we suffer through countless weekends without plans, events spent standing awkwardly alone, and silence?
     If you're like me, the thought of putting yourself out there is terrifying. It seems that I can only truly talk to a stranger when one of my best friends is around, and even then the situation is iffy. I'm the kind of person who will not engage you in conversation, and as sorry as I am for it, I will need you to do it. I don't want to be that person.
     It's just another one of those things that I'm trying to change, but the process is slow.