I'm not to fond of myself.
I know, everyone hates something about themselves, and I'm not denying that, but for me it's sometimes a constant emotion. I'm asking for pity or for compliments, I'm just saying it as it is. I can wallow in self-loathing for days.
I don't know why, but that's how it is.
Liz said it best, "Operation Self_Esteem -- Day F****g One."And that's exactly how it goes. One day I feel like I can conquer the world, and the next completely useless. I'm better than I was a year ago, and I feel myself getting better each day, but I'm only better because people in my life have shown me that I'm not alone. I think that's the worst part of it all; feeling like I'm the only person that's every hated themselves. I started recovering, if you will, a year ago when I shared it with my youth group, because I felt like I was going to explode, and one of my youth leaders shared an almost identical story. Something about knowing that I didn't carry that weight alone, made it bearable. It's the isolation that forced me into extended periods of hatred, but now that I know there are people out there for me, it's easier to pull myself out.
Liz found her way out through traveling, and I share that need with her. I need to travel. I love it so much, that even a trip to the next county over is exciting for me. I think each adventure holds a new lesson, and I long for that. Liz seems to be the same way, and it was through her travels that she found peace.
My favorite quote from the book goes, “I’m here. I love you. I don’t care if you need to stay up crying all night long, I will stay with you. There’s nothing you can ever do to lose my love. I will protect you until you die, and after your death I will still protect you. I am stronger than Depression and I am braver than Loneliness and nothing will ever exhaust me.” Liz sits down with a pen and some paper, and waits for God to talk to her in her stupor. She asks him questions, and he uses her to write them down. I like that idea, but I also like to believe that this is Liz talking to herself. That inside of her, there's another version of Liz waiting to burst through the gate and conquer her self-loathing.
I think that's important part of life, telling yourself how much you love you. It's just like with anyone else. If your friend stops calling you his/her best friend, then you might start to doubt it, and I think the same goes for us. If we stop thinking about all of the things we love about ourselves, then we forget that we do in fact love ourselves. I don't know if it takes a trip to the 'I' countries to figure it out, or if all it takes is a hug and the promise that you're not a lone, but what I do know is that you're worth it.
You're worth being loved, and no matter how hard that gets for me to say, I know that I have to. Because I can't forget.